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Mommy’s Life: The tales of our 3 year old son and his pecker…keep it covered, man.

Kindergarten Cop

In the first few days after you bring a baby boy home from the hospital – as a mom – you quickly realize as he’s peeing in the air, and on the lamp on the changing table – and all over you, and the floor, and his crib, and into his bath, and pretty much everywhere….before you can quickly throw a washcloth or diaper over him to shield yourself – that you are completely and utterly in over your head.  Yea – sure – you know how to make a baby and all that jazz — but you really don’t know anything about a male child and those body parts and how to deal with the situations that you know are coming …way sooner than you expect.  And so begins your journey … #mommylife

This morning I walked into my three year old sons bedroom to find him sitting naked from the waist down with a plastic spiderman cup held over his privates. I try not to laugh, or gasp, or yell, or act entirely offended in instances like this before I hear his logic. The logic of a 3 year old little boy is like no other… there is no logic – only impulse.  Yet, occasionally – they surprise you … especially when it comes to their new found best friend – their penis.
So, I calmly ask –
“Buddy – what’s going on?”
Oliver: “I woke up, Mom!”
“Yea…I see you are awake. Can you tell me why you have your spiderman water cup covering your penis?”
Oliver: “Uh, because I driveled in my panties.”  (he can’t seem to get that “bb” down in dribbled”)
“How did you dribble in your panties?”
Oliver: “I went peepee and my panties got wet – how else would I drivel mom?”
“I don’t know, buddy -I see the problem, but why didn’t you just get new panties out of your drawer?”
Oliver: “I did.  I got me some Superman ones!”
Ok, man, so where are they?
Oliver: “I lost them.” {As he lifts the covers and looks around his bed, as if they were there the whole time, all while still holding his cup in place}
“I see – so can you tell me about the Spiderman cup”
Oliver: “My feet got cold cause my socks got wet and I took them off – so I had to put my feet under my fuzzy blanket, then I lost my Superman underwear and you said I always had to keep my peepee covered, so I did.”

I mean, what in the hell do I say to that??? Good job?!? It actually made sense, kind of. The kid was doing, literally, what he had been told to do – keeping his private parts private–that’s more than I get from him most days.

Seriously – there should be an entire manual (like Cliff’s Notes style) for moms on how to address all the questions, issues, and insane circumstances you will encounter with a toddler boy as he discovers the many wonders of his member.  Like, really – if I see him pull it out and literally pull it is as far as it will stretch only to see if his cheerio will sit on top of it at the breakfast table one more time – I’m going to need therapy – and wine.  A lot of both.

I’m pretty sure if I pick up my video monitor one more time in the mornings and catch him talking about “it” to himself while peeking down the elastic waist of his pajama pants, “it can stretch, and it can twist, and it can bend, it can pull, it can squish – pinch it – ouch! Mom!!”  I’m going to have to put the kid in a straight jacket.

I’m pretty sure the only differences between a toddler boy and a pervert are puberty and intent….the kid has even tried to go out jump in puddles naked in rain coat and boots.  Mmm…as adults-we call that a flasher.  

Like last week,  we were all in the kitchen while I was making breakfast, Olivia had innocently brought her blanket and pillow in to lay in the floor while I cooked.  And who appears in the kitchen bare butt naked?  Oliver, of course.  Here he comes, straddling his sister, laughing his little ass off as he squats with a deep knee bend as if he were about to tea bag her.  She’s mortified underneath him, afraid to sit up and hiding her face in her pillow as I am yelling (yea – I yelled, I might have freaked a little bit and burnt their french toast on this one) at him to get some clothes on.  No, the kid had no idea what he was doing – he is obliviously unaware (despite being reminded every time he finished going to the bathroom – and at least 10 other times a day) that his nudity is not okay – and simply exists with the single goal of tormenting his twin sister–and me.  He really, I think, gets a thrill out of raking me over the coals.  When he was finally off of her and in underwear, I asked him – Oliver – what on earth were you trying to do???  “I was farting on hers face!”  He said with a mischievous cackle.  As mortified as I was – the thought of his junk waiving in his sisters face had not even crossed his mind – other than him wanting to keep it out in the open air.  Granted about an hour later he appeared in my bedroom doorway as I was getting dressed announcing (nude, of course) “Look mom!”  I’m in my closet man, what is it.  “You have to look, mom!!”  Ok buddy….  and I come out into my room to find in the middle of floor squatting, again, naked as a jay bird, yelling with sheer joy – it can swing and do circles!  it’s a circle!!”

I can tell him until I am blue in the face and he just simply does not understand why something so curious and delightful is reason to be put in time out—or why it’s not okay to pee on a tree – like, any random tree will do – the one beside us on the playground with the kid sitting in it- or in the median in the Publix parking lot beside the cart return.  He doesn’t even need a tree—–right smack in the middle of the yard, or on a bush, or a car tire, or brick wall – or really anywhere that’s not the toilet will work better for him than the effort of going in to a bathroom.

PC: Pinterest

A few days ago I was sitting in my office and in he runs in – naked – with a little boner.  Mommy – mommy – my baby puppy Otis nipped my penis and it popped up!  Well, push it back down!!  I can’t, I can’t!  It popped up and it won’t go down – it won’t go down mom! Then go put your underwear back on!!!  Why were you naked, playing with Otis??

Oh – Dear God.  I don’t even know what to say to that!  I’m pretty confident he was trying to ride our 60lb Sheepdog bare back – or bare ass, I should say.

I regularly walk by Oliver while he is sitting in his dad’s recliner watching cartoons – and catch him hanging out with his pants down —  no reason.  Just sitting with his pants down….  For real???  Kid – your junk’s hanging out – put it up!!   So I tell him nicely —  Oliver, it’s not okay to sit around with your pants down.  Pull your pants up and keep your private parts private.  “Okay – mom,” and he pulls his pants up….  10 minutes later.  Pants on the ground…penis in the air.

And God forbid you mistakenly call his privates by the wrong name trying to employ some amount of modesty or avoidance of the topic – Oliver, put your little thing away.  “It’s not a thing mom!  It’s my peepee!!”  Oliver, cover up your nuggets, buddy – “they are NOT nuggets mom – it’s my balls, like dad!”

Then there is the whole issue of peeing….. as if the trees weren’t tempting enough – the kid’s attention span is unfortunately shorter than his stream of pee.  A few weeks ago – I’m pretty sure he was trying to write his name on the wall at my brother-in-law and sister-in-law’s house (in the bathroom of their brand new baby’s nursery).  Hey – what’s that over there, mom? as he spins, spraying the entire (thankfully, tile) wall.  Or how about in our own bathroom when his sister was sitting beside the toilet talking to me, waiting her turn, and he turned quickly, spraying the poor unsuspecting kid in the face.  The problem isn’t his aim – the kid can hit a target – he’s proven it repeatedly- at pretty much any distance…like the rock on the other side of the driveway……  The issue here is the midstream pivot that send his pee spraying across whatever bathroom he’s in and hitting everything in it’s misguided path.

I think my single biggest mistake so far in this area has been buying him boxer briefs.  Now – this wasn’t intentional mind you – I saw a pack of glow in the dark underwear and thought – cool!  Oliver will love those – maybe he will keep them on.  Well – 1 – nothing can compete with nudity at home in Oliver’s 3 year old mind.  2 – Boxer briefs look strikingly similar to shorts in the mind of a 3 year old and he just doesn’t understand why he can’t go to the grocery store in them  – after all – “they are shorts mom – I not naked.”  No – you are right, you are not naked – but it’s not okay to wear your underwear to the grocery store.  “But, mom – I not wearing underwear  – see (as he pulls down he boxer briefs to show me there are no briefs underneath), these are shorts!”  Alright Oliver…you win – today, we will not go to the grocery store–or anywhere else.  Go wear your shorts…

The things you don’t think about and never cross your mind when the nurse tells “it’s a boy!”……..  the underwear arguments and penis monologues have got to be on up there on the list.

And …  this battle shall continue another day – and another  – and another – until he knows what to do with the thing and then I’ll have another whole set of issues to worry about.

On that note – I’m going to go have a drink.